Don’t call me a masseuse: unless you’re French.

and how to treat them

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• A baby shower, yip and yay,
  So many games we will play
  Like guess the gender, name and weight
  Not to mention the birth date.
  With cups of tea and a nibbles too
  And something special for your do
  The Mummyseuss and massage chair
  Gives your event some extra flair
  It’s all set up in a flash
  And the highlight of your bash
  All your guests line up to wait
  As you’ve beat them to the gate
  If this sounds like just the thing
  Give The Mummyseuss a ring!
• Your baby’s crying and it won’t stop
  You’re feeling like a complete flop
  At 4pm every day
  You Angel seems to run away
  And in its place a grump’s appeared
  with increasing noise as you feared
  But don’t panic, there is a way
  To bring the angel back to play
  A simple trick and colic’s gone
  To give relief before the dawn.
  The Mummyseuss will show you how
  And give you back those smiles right now.
  A baby massage lessons what you need
  Give her a call with your plead.
• Another Midwife, you did greet
  Is there anymore to meet?
  The same person you do crave
  A familiar face and familiar wave.
  This is normal you’ve been told
  Yet you’ve not been completely sold.
  The Mummyseuss has just the ticket
  For when you think it’s just not cricket
  Do you have unanswered questions?
  How about these for suggestions?
  She has a regular massage plan
  For your whole pregnancy it will span
  And after when you’ve had your bub
  She’ll come and give your back a rub.
  This is not at all allusive
  But very special and exclusive
  Take the time to talk to Emma
  And she will help with your dilemma
  To help you with your broken slumber
  Pick up the phone and dial her number
• A baby is your big, big quest
  
and time is ticking, not the best.
  
Prince Charming really is a wonder
  
To bad you're growling like the thunder
  You feel like you've become a troll
  
and panic starts to take its toll
  
Now here comes yet another cycle
  
and once again seeing Dr Michael.
  The stress and strain and needles combines
  All to see those two blue lines
  
  With stressing, panicking, you are bound
  To start asking all around.
  A massage is the thing you need,
  To improve your chances and succeed.
  The Mummyseuss is the one for you
  And you won’t find her at the zoo.
  In Keilor Downs or at your place,
  With massage table and her case.
  She’ll soothe your body and make you smile,
  Now find the phone and start to dial!
• A brand new baby, a brand new day,
  Lots of fun and work and play
  That’s what they told you in a book
  What really happens? Come take a look.
  The washing forms a great big mountain,
  Can you put the dishes in a fountain?
  3am? Is that a time?
  What’s in the nappy? Is that slime?
  A shower would be really nice,
  I think I’ve had one, maybe twice.
  My back is aching and it’s sore
  Sometimes parenting is a chore.
  Then your baby gives a grin
  And something bubbles from within.
  A break is just the thing
  To make you body smile and sing
  A massage for all your stress and strains
  To banish all your aches and pains.
  Who knew you’ll feel so good
  Even when didn’t think you should.
  The Mummyseuss is just the one
  Call her and to you she’ll run.
  
  You give them cuddles, hugs and kisses
  Here’s what you asked for,
  Dreams and wishes.
• Wow, you’re pregnant! Yes it’s true,
  So much is happening to you.
  There’s a baby kicking in your tum,
  And now there’s sharp pain in your bum.
  Wait just a minute, don’t be blue,
  A massage is the thing for you!
  The Mummyseuss will save the day,
  A booking then you’ll shout HOORAY!
  You’ll feel happy, the blues have cleared,
  The nasty pain has disappeared.
  Why are you waiting? It’s not hard.
  Pick up the phone, here’s my card!
• A baby is your big, big quest
  and time is ticking, not the best.
  Prince Charming really is a wonder
  To bad you're growling like the thunder
  You feel like you've become a troll
  and panic starts to take its toll
  Now here comes another cycle
  and once again see Dr Michael.
  The stress and strain and needles combines
  All to see those two blue lines
  
  A brand new baby, a brand new day,
  Lots of fun and work and play
  That’s what they told you in a book
  What really happens? Come take a look.
  The washing forms a great big mountain,
  Can you put the dishes in a fountain?
  3am? Is that a time?
  What’s in the nappy? Is that slime?
  A shower would be really nice,
  I think I’ve had one, maybe twice.
  Your back is aching and it’s sore
  Sometimes parenting is a chore.
  Then your baby gives a grin
  And something bubbles from within.
  You give them cuddles, hugs and kisses
  Here’s what you asked for,
  Dreams and wishes.
• Sometimes pregnancy can be taxing
  Especially when you want Relaxing
  You get asked how you’re coping
  When you want to stay home moping
  You’re bodies aching and feeling yuck
  You’re even waddling like a duck
  The Mummyseuss is here for you
  To get you through this big to-do
  Plus she’s a mum, she understands
  And give a massage with gentle hands.
  She’ll welcome you with a smile
  Now’s the time to start to dial
• She’s a mum, she understands.
  A massage from her gentle hands.
  
• It’s school holidays, oh good grief!
  This chaos wasn’t in the brief.
  If you hear Mum one more time
  Or the doorbell start to chime
  The screaming, fighting and the nagging
  Your mood is well and truly sagging
  Your nerves are fraying at the edges
  You think of hiding in the hedges,
  And then idea comes to mind
  No better concept you did find
  To The Mummyseuss you do go
  She understands it all, you know
  She’ll sit you in a quiet room
  And scare away the doom and gloom
  You’ll feel refreshed and all brand new
  Call her now, and she’ll see you!
  
• Dreaming of a brand new table
  Something swish and not a fable
  Up and down it does glide
  A very gentle quiet ride
  Comfy rest and magic hands
  Drifting off to dreamy lands
  Wouldn’t you love to be
  The first to try this out, agree?
  Pre-book you massage and you will see
  A very special gift from me!
  Donate here to take your place
  Then keep your eyes on this space.
• I really want some peace and quiet
  To escape the daily riot.
  I lock myself inside the loo
  But that doesn’t stop the zoo
  In they come with all their noise
  Plus they bring in all their toys.
  And when I try to have a shower
  Someone gets into the flour
  Next thing I know there in there too
  And having a great big blue
  It’s too hot now it’s too cold
  The soaps smells funny, so I’m told
  When did I last shave my legs
  Instead of reading about green eggs
  And when I stumble into bed
  I find myself seeing red
  They’ve found their way into there
  Taking up all the room to spare
  Then I come up with a thought
  The Mummyseuss is just the sort
  She will calm the nerves and soul
  And help me gain back my control
  She has a space that’s just for me
  And she’s a massage devotee
  I will call her really quick
  Or email her with a click
  She fix me up and make me happy
  Now’s your turn, make it snappy!
• Your partner’s pregnant, Whoopee Doo!
  But now she’s feeling pretty blue,
  One minute she’s smiles, very happy,
  Next she’s crying, feeling crappy,
  Don’t know how to fix this slump?
  In case she then becomes a grump
  Wow! An idea starts to form
  Something fuzzy, something warm.
  A mummy massage is the answer
  A little treat, a bit of pamper
  The Mummyseuss knows just the trick
  Pick up the phone, call her quick!